I can’t seem to find the peace I need within myself.

Even my trip to the beach earlier this month failed to decompress me. So much for the soothing sounds of ocean waves.

For many months, I have been experiencing an agitation, restlessness and frustration churning within me, leaving me disquieted.

Frequently, these feelings have whisked me down rabbit holes where fear can be allowed to ferment and where hope entertained.

I have recently found myself tumbling down these rabbit holes as I reflect on myself in middle age as a lover and a mother.

The lover

For more than a decade, I had abandoned all hope that I would find someone to love and who would love me.

Being a single mother, fortunately, filled my life with the endless distractions of raising my son, pursuing my career in writing and editing, and growing and nurturing my circle of friends.

In that space, my life seemed adequate.

Disappearing into the future

But gatherings of friends or family with married or cohabitating couples quickly reminded me that being the third, fifth or seventh wheel was lonely. Even though I managed to truncate the pain, when I was alone, the sadness would sometimes overwhelm me.

At times, I could not help but believe that some of them really didn’t care that I had no one to care for and who cared for me. But I could not fault them for the lack of concern I perceived. They were busy with their lives, and I knew I needed to busy myself with my own.

So, when my son became a sophomore in high school, I began planning a future when he would be away at college and eventually pursuing his own career and finding love.

I considered joining the Peace Corps — and disappearing.

I considered moving to Florida — and disappearing.

I considered working more and more — and disappearing.

Always disappearing. Disappearing into a new world where I could reinvent myself and numb myself to the pain and loneliness of my previous life — only to find a new pain and loneliness.

I knew people loved me, but it was so easy to not love myself. It was so easy to just give up.

It was just so easy.

And, in this space, my life was adequate.

Finding Lewis

Everything changed when I met Lewis.

Our love for each other has changed the arc of my life. We each thought we would never find someone we could tolerate, someone we could love — and then we did!

As our relationship has progressed, I realized I was vulnerable. The future I had planned was receding into the background. The emotional barriers that enabled me to endure just one more day alone were starting to crumble.

For years, these defenses had reinforced the despondency of a damaged woman. I starved myself emotionally, because I did not believe I was worthy of anything that would satiate my heart and soul.

I believed I was undeserving. My abusive relationship with my son’s father had convinced me that I could not trust my own judgment to protect myself.

Evolving

But Lewis has embraced and celebrated the intelligent, beautiful, loving woman I actually am, not the sad construct of my insecurities and fears.

He has simply refused to allow me to continue forging this self-destructive path.

As much as his love has invigorated and empowered me, it has also roused a fear that he will discover my failings and leave.

With each passing day, I choose to be and reveal who I am to him. He must know the truth about me. And perhaps, I need to know the truth about myself, the honest truth.

It is this truth that will strengthen our bond. It is this truth that may free me from the lie that I am not deserving of love. Or it is the truth that will confine me to a life of loneliness.

And in this space, my life is more than adequate; it is evolving.

The mother

From the moment my son Joseph was born, I fought to protect him.

His father, my narcissist, engaged me in one legal battle after the next, hoping to wear me down and exert his control.

In court, I fought for Joseph to continue receiving child support based on state guidelines not the rages of my narcissist’s wife and my son’s stepmother. I fought for Joseph to have a safe visitation schedule away from his stepmother’s abusiveness. I fought for Joseph to have access to the best doctors I could afford, not the ones my narcissist had manipulated into siding against me, resulting in them becoming hostile toward me and providing questionable medical attention to our son.

And I won many of these legal battles.

Outside of the courtroom, our disagreements occurred occasionally in person or over the phone, but my narcissist’s abuse is detailed through his frequent daily emails.

For more than seven years, I was subjected to his cruelty and had resigned myself to this station in life.

In that space, my life seemed adequate.

Being a protector

Watching Joseph grow into his childhood, I tried everything I could to protect him.

I found a doctor to help with his chronic ear infections despite his father’s arguments.

I enrolled him in the best school I could afford despite his father’s opposition.

I made sure he had clean clothes, nutritious food, interesting books and fun toys despite his father’s efforts to reduce the child support.

I gave him as much love as I could muster despite the many absent and cruel family members on both sides of the family.

Despite my best efforts, Joseph was hurting, and I was failing him as his mother.

Joseph’s therapist realized the profound stress and anxiety my son was suffering because of his controlling father and stepmother and agreed that a reduction in visits would help Joseph heal emotionally and spiritually.

So, Joseph and I moved to Pennsylvania in the hopes of starting a new life.

And in that space, my life seemed adequate.

Fighting against schools and bullies

During the past several years, we confronted not the bullying of my narcissist but those of Joseph’s classmates.

Again, I stepped in to fight for him after discovering Joseph had been spit on, physically attacked, emotionally abused and falsely accused of doing things he did not do.

My son experienced this wanton behavior at two schools. When I confronted one principal, he spoke to the boys involved but did little else. The other principal was blatantly indifferent as she matter-of-factly described the “Lord of the Flies” scenario among the boys in his class.

Joseph had to figure out how to fight the bullies on his own. And he did.

The courage and strength he developed prepared him well for high school and for that I am most grateful.

And in that space, my life seemed adequate

Fighting with my son

As Joseph has matured into adolescence, I realize my son is becoming a man and discovering his own place in the world.

Every parent knows this stage in their child’s life is inevitable, but it can still broadside even the best of parents.

It certainly broadsided me.

For the past couple of years, we seem to argue more than we understand. We seem to yell more than we listen.

Through the noise, flushed faces and strongly beating hearts, we sometimes don’t even know what the other one is talking about.

Before, if we disagreed, we managed to converse and debate. Now, we are quick-tempered and hotheaded.

We have noticed the increase in tension between us as our positions on certain issues seem to divide us.

I fear he may be more impressionable than he and I even realize.

I fear he could unknowingly associate with dangerous people.

I fear I won’t be able to protect him when he leaves for college.

I fear I may lose him.

As much as I fear, I know I must trust in him, in the boy I raised into adulthood, in the lessons I taught him, in the strength and determination I modeled for him.

Perhaps, I am actually plagued by the fear that I failed him.

Maybe, the trust I need to have is not in Joseph but in myself.

And in this space, my life is more than adequate; it is evolving.

Looking ahead

Reflecting on two of the most important relationships in my life, I know I must grow and evolve in order for them to survive and thrive.

But the fears and frustrations are real.

Years of being alone and unable to trust myself and others have worn me down at times.

However, they have not defeated me, and this column is proof of that. Behind each word, phrase and sentence was the courage I summoned to confront myself and heal.

I mentioned earlier that I needed to find calm within me, but maybe not.

I am a fighter for the long haul, and I needed to acknowledge and confront the agitation, restlessness and frustration within me.

Perhaps, these feelings fuel me.

Regardless, they are a part of who I am now. As I understand them more, I have to remember that I am evolving into the woman, the lover, the single mother and the fighter that I am.

And that is the honest truth.

 

On Thursdays, I share a blog about a day in the actual life of a single parent.

Starting the summer of 2021, my son, Joseph, is writing a monthly column titled In My Son’s Words where he describes his experiences as a teenager and as a child of a single parent.

Twice a month, instead of a personal post, I put together one where I assemble news on and about single parents nationally and globally.

I would love to hear from you! Feel free to send any comments and questions to me at singleparentandstrong@gmail.com. I am also on Twitter @parentsonurown and on Facebook.