The summer heat — humid or dry — can try anyone’s patience, especially if you’re a single parent rushing somewhere with children in tow.
The traffic doesn’t want to cooperate. The children are restless or overly excited in a vehicle that won’t cool down. And the sweat is streaking slowly down your face, ruining a perfectly wonderful makeup job.
And then from the backseat a little voice can be heard, making an amusing observation, saying the right word the wrong way or casually sharing an expletive you had prayed was not heard by their young ears.
This column is the second installment of a seven-part series of hilarious moments single parents posted in Facebook groups when asked about such memorable incidents.
Following are some of those responses that I hope can add some amusement to your day and cool down any hot tempers that may flare up:
“My daughter was really obsessed with the ‘Lion King.’ One day I saw her standing on the back of her slide, and I was confused as to what she was doing. I got out there and she’s holding my sister’s Teacup Chihuahua in the air singing the ‘Circle of Life.’ The poor little dog was so scared he was peeing as she was holding him in the air. Don’t worry I rescued the dog, comforted him from his trauma and had a talk with her about how dogs that small don’t need to be up that high, and he could have been hurt if he fell. Now it’s a cute story I’ll always remember and tell her boyfriend later.”
“My son made toast in the pop-up toaster when he was about 7 or 8, but he put the butter on it first.”
“A few years ago I was sitting at the computer. My daughter was just staring at me and when I looked her way, she threw some Skittles at me and said, ‘Taste the rainbow.’ We both were laughing so hard it took a bit before we could talk. She is so funny.”
“My 7-year-old son took my phone one morning and videoed himself making a salad cream sandwich and posted it on YouTube.”
“We like to play pranks on our kiddos. One time I told my 11 year old go into Auto Zone and get some ‘blinker fluid’ for my van because it was running low. She asked the associate inside where to find the blinker fluid. The sad part was the associate actually tried to help her find it.”
“My son has a speech problem. When he was 5, he walked into the bathroom and I was in the shower. My husband was about to leave to go to work, so I told him to tell my husband that I needed him to leave me some money. [My son] came back and said dad said no jokingly [and] that he had no cash on him. I said to tell him, ‘That’s OK. I accept cash, checks and card.’ He went and told my husband that I would accept ‘hash, sex and some kind of card.’ My husband ran into the bathroom and I had some explaining to do.”
“I’ve been looking after my sister’s kids for four years now, but I have a story of the oldest who is now 14. When she was 6, she was playing in her mom’s room while me and my mom were talking in her room. All of a sudden, she came out of her mom’s room holding a dildo and said, ‘Gramma, why does my mom have this funny looking toy in her room?’ It was so hard to hold back the laugh. My mom said, ‘Put that back and stay out of your mom’s stuff,’ but she kept asking, ‘What is it?’”
“At about 1:45 this afternoon, I woke my daughter up from a bad dream by entering her room. She thought I was the giant moth from her dream.”
“When my daughter was 3 [now 16], I was driving and called someone a f**king idiot — by accident, it just slipped out — and for the next two weeks, she called everyone a f**king idiot. I couldn’t get her to stop! She would say, ‘Mommy, he’s a fupping idit’ — in a 3-year-old’s voice. It was hard not to laugh, at least the one time she said it.”
“My son walked with me into a designer store and he turned to me and said loudly: ‘Mom, I’m farting like a helicopter!’”
“We were on an international … flight and my son stood up and stared at the man behind him. He turned to me said, ‘Mommy, the man is picking his nose. Mommy, he is taking his boogers out! Look, Mommy, look!’ I didn’t look because I was so embarrassed. Eventually, my son turned back at me and said, ‘Mommy, he’s done!’”
“My son, I think he’s trying to ship himself out somewhere. Lol! He never informed me of these travel plans though.” With the post was a photo of her little boy in a cardboard box. She added, “We received a huge order from Amazon, and the moment I emptied it out he started going around waving bye to everyone and then went in the box.”
“My child walked into daycare today and told his teacher that mommy drank so much bad stuff that her pee was red. I’m just having my menstrual cycle; thankfully, his teacher just laughed it off.”
“My son brought me this and said, ‘Help juice.’” With the post was a photo of a container of chicken broth.
“My son grabbed my face and made me look right in his face. If I tried to turn, he would growl, lol, so I had to keep looking into his face until he didn’t want me looking at him, lol. He’s actually very strong.”
“My daughter’s new word she learned is ridiculous, but she pronounces it ‘redicklicious.’” Another single parent added, “Mine used to pronounce it ‘ridicisious.’”
“My daughter was really good at hide and seek! Thank you for asking about memories. My daughter is 6 now, and we just had a lot of laughs looking at her silly pictures.” With this post was a photo of her little girl hiding behind the cabinet door with her feet exposed under it.”
“One time I woke up to my daughter sitting in my bed when she was about 2. She looked me dead in the face and said, ‘Don’t worry, Mommy. I’m not gonna bite you.’ Needless to say, I didn’t sleep well that night.”
“When we got back from Disney World, my son’s teacher — as well as many other people — asked how he liked Disney World. He said, ‘It was fun but the roller coasters hurt my penis.’ This kid has no filter.”
“My youngest has been gathering her diaper supplies and laying down in my path telling me to change her. It’s cute. I’m gonna start potty training next.” With the post was a photo of her toddler laying in her path with diaper supplies.
“When my daughter was around 3ish [long ago], I got mad about something and said ‘shit’ while slamming the door. A little while later, I caught her slamming the door repeatedly, saying ‘shit’ at every slam. I about died! She eventually learned that was a bad word, lol.”
Please feel free to email me your stories and enjoy the laughter these and upcoming memories are sure to produce.
On Thursdays, I share a blog about a day in the actual life of a single parent. Every fourth Thursday, instead of a personal post, I put together one where I assemble news on and about single parents nationally and globally.
I would love to hear from you! Feel free to send any comments and questions to me at firstname.lastname@example.org. I am also on Twitter @parentsonurown and can be found by searching #singleparentandstrong.