Actions inspired by good intentions can have hilarious consequences, especially where children are concerned.
Several years ago, my son joined me on a shopping expedition for an ugly sweater for a party of the same name I was attending before Christmas
This lady’s clothing store, which was shuttering its doors at the end of the month, was my last hope after unsuccessfully perusing the racks of clothing at so many other stores.
As I examined the assortment of tacky tops, I was not paying attention to my son. Fortunately, Joseph had the common sense not to leave the small store sandwiched among others in a strip mall without me.
He returned to my side after a short absence and I settled upon an ugly shirt. After I purchased the top, we stepped out into the crisp, cold evening air. We had only walked a few steps when my son announced a remarkable discovery.
“Mom! Look! A beautiful ring just for you!”
I turned to see him stooping down to pick it up. When he presented the “ruby” ring to me in his little hand, I was torn. My gut told me he had slipped the ring into his pocket — and I was correct.
His intentions were so kindhearted: He wanted me to look as beautiful on the outside as I was on the inside. I thanked him for the ring and his charming way of presenting it.
But when I asked him where it came from, he fumbled for words until finally admitting he had taken it. We returned to the store and gave the ring to the cashier, who accepted my apology.
How could I be angry with my son and his sweet gesture? Our children perform such random acts of kindness all the time and sometimes they leave us laughing.
In this column, the third installment of a seven-part series, single parents shared hilarious moments with their children. Following are some of those responses:
“My boys went around the house yesterday and locked all the doors. My ‘mom bladder’ kicked in before I got home from work. I rushed to the bathroom and the door was locked. No biggie. I ran to my bathroom and the bedroom door was locked and then the bathroom door was locked. I about peed in my pants waiting for my boys to unlock the doors. All the while, they were all watching me dance around and laughing their heads off. They know when I gotta go, I GOTTA GO!”
“My kids call my fiancé ‘Daddy’ and my middle son calls his private parts his ‘wienerschnitzel’ — don’t ask. He walked in on my fiancé in the bathroom by accident [and] comes running into the kitchen to tell me and his brothers: ‘Mommy, Zayuh, Noah! Daddy has a biiiggg wienerschnitzel!’ After I died laughing, I had to tell him that he shouldn’t talk about such things. They go to Christian school so the last thing I need is him telling his teacher, lol.”
“When my son was small, he loved fire trucks and every time yelled ‘the fire fuck, the fire fuck!’”
“This one always makes me smile! I was at CVS to get some things with [my] 4-year-old. He ran to the door, shouting: ‘Ooh! I want to push the potty button! Can I push the potty button?!’ [Confused,] I watched him proceed to push the handicap automatic door opener button. He thought the image of the person in a wheelchair was a person on the toilet. I call this button the ‘potty button’ to this day. Kids are hilarious.”
A mother shared this conversation with her 4-year-old son:
“‘Son: Mommy, do you remember when I was in your belly?
‘Me: Yes, son, vividly. I remember carrying your 10-pound, 2-ounce self.
‘Son: Well, do you remember when I just crawled out of your throat to get out of there?
‘Me: That’s not how I remember it, but sure.’”
“When my now 12-year-old was … about 7, I introduced him to the world of Doctor Who. Well, one day, he and I had been upstairs watching the episode called ‘Blink’ with the weeping angels. When we finished, we headed down the split-level stairs. His sister who would have been about 15 at the time jumped out from around the corner and scared him so badly! She had no clue what we had been watching so she felt bad, but at the same time it was funny. We all look back at it now and chuckle.”
“When my son was about 6, he was in the backseat of the car. My mom and I were talking about motorcyclists, and I was saying I didn’t think it was very smart to ride without a helmet. So, my son rolls down the window and yells out to the biker right outside his window: ‘My Mom says you’re not very smart ya know!’ The biker looked like he wanted to murder me, lol.”
“When I was using the bathroom, my daughter, who was about 2, followed me and I just so happened to be changing my pad. She said, ‘Mommy, you wear big girl diapers too!’”
“When my daughter was 3 or 4, we took a bus route every day with a heavyset lady, who was wonderful and sweet. On one trip, my daughter screamed out: ‘Hey, hey, hey, Mommy! I want to sit next to the very big lady.’ I was mortified, but kids are kids, and of course, I explained to her that what she said wasn’t nice and could hurt her feelings. But she was always that kind of child who says embarrassing things.”
“My boy, 8 at the time, had a sore ‘arse apple.’ He was so pissed off we were laughing, especially after we explained to him what an Adam’s apple is and then what an arse is.”
“My now 25-year-old son was 2 and we were in line at Walmart. He was beginning to get tired of sitting in the seat, so I was looking for anything in my purse … a Hot Wheels car … anything! Next thing I knew, it was my turn to unload my cart. He seemed to have simmered down, so I was just chugging away. I get to the cashier, caught my breath and saw her trying not to laugh. My son had a tampon in his mouth and was trying to open it! ‘No no, sweetie! That’s not for you!’ ‘Mommy potty sticks?’ he asked. I died that day.”
“When my daughter was much younger probably 6 or 7, I made instant mashed potatoes, because I did not want to run to the store … again! I would always make real mashed potatoes, but thought, ‘Eh, one time won’t hurt.’ My daughter took one bite and said, ‘These taste different.’ I said, ‘Yeah. They are instant potatoes; I don’t have any real ones.’ She looked at me confused. I said they are flakes and that when you add boiling water to them, they turn into mashed potatoes. She said, ‘Ooohhh! I wonder what instant blueberries taste like!?’”
“How about a funny from my 3-year-old? She adores [country singer] Dolly Parton. Yesterday, her friend, Emma, gave her these pants. She immediately started singing ‘My pants of many colors, my buddy gave to me.’ It cracked me up that at 3 she could think of such a think.” Her provided a video of her performance; instead, I linked to the Parton’s song.
“When my 13 year old was 3, she begged me to legally change her name to ‘Ladybug.’ She gets really red when I share that story.”
“When my son was about 3 — he’s now 13 — he was staying with a friend of mine because I was having my next child. One day, she had him at the mall playing in the play area. He walked over to a black guy and sat next to him and said, ‘What’s up, black ass?’ The black guy looked at my friend and then looked at him and said, ‘What’s up, white ass?’”
“We have so many laughs in my house that I wish we had a camera to catch it all.”
Please feel free to email me your stories and enjoy the laughter these and upcoming memories are sure to produce.
On Thursdays, I share a blog about a day in the actual life of a single parent. Every fourth Thursday, instead of a personal post, I put together one where I assemble news on and about single parents nationally and globally.
I would love to hear from you! Feel free to send any comments and questions to me at firstname.lastname@example.org. I am also on Twitter @parentsonurown and can be found by searching #singleparentandstrong.